Kinoshita Hideyoshi was a dynamo in 16th century Japan, and is often considered one of the most powerful rulers the nation has ever seen. His legacy includes defining a rigid class structure, building Osaka Castle, and being totally balls to the walls badass. Despite gaining near ultimate power in a society where lineage is everything, he was born without any samurai lineage. In fact, very little is known about this man before he was 30. His younger days, before he started his gig as Oda Nobunaga’s sandal bearer and eventually his name to the more familiar Toyotomi Hideyoshi, is essentially lost to history. That is, till now. The popular 2010 anime series Baka to Test to Shoukanjuu tells the lost story of the childhood of one of Japan’s most fierce warlords, before he started capturing castles and shoving katanas up his enemies’ anuses.

Kinoshita Hideyoshi was born in 1536 somewhere in Nagoya. He entered school, but after doing poorly on his entrance exams, was assigned to class F. To further the problem, he was the hottest trap out there since Alexander the Great, so he was routinely fapped to and raped by Shin. While Hideyoshi may be known to be a great, fearless warrior, he didn’t show it in his teenage years. Due to his poor grades, his Skoukanjuu is this weak dude with a naginata. Yeah, those things women use. Just saying.

It would still be many years before he becomes a slightly eccentric old man randomly invading Korea. Like many of the ruthless conquerors in history, Kinoshita’s youth is defined by massive amounts of moe. Kinoshita’s classmates all basically treated him like a girl, which upset Kinoshita greatly. This rage was manifested later in life at the Battle of Anegawa, where Hideyoshi basically singlehandedly dickslapped the entire enemy army resulting in their heads falling off. Well, I didn’t exactly what researched what happened at Anegawa but I would imagine something like that happened.

His major hobby, when he wasn’t failing exams, was acting. He could impersonate anyone’s voice with amazing precision. He would eventually use this talent to imitate Tokugawa Ieyasu’s voice in a cunning situation like an 80′s sitcom.

After leaving school (he was demoted at the last second back down to F class because he was totally useless the whole series) he joined the Oda clan as a servant.

Hideyoshi then used everything he learned in school, including the power of friendship and sticking together, and became Oda Nobunaga’s most badass general. When Nobunaga himself was betrayed by his own general Akechi Mitsuhide (because haters be hatin’), Kinoshita rolled into Akechi’s hood and forced him to eat Mizuki Himeji’s cooking, in a classic mercy killin worthy of a Denzel Washington movie.

Afterwards, Hideyoshi presented Akechi’s head at Nobunaga’s funeral, which made every funeral held anywhere on the planet since look like a wimpy waste of time. While presenting the head, he reportedly said “for betraying our lord, this traitor has been Kino-shit-on!” before slipping on a pair of sunglasses and yelling “yeaaaahhhh!!!!” Awed by the sheer quality of the pun, his enemies promptly surrendered and Kinoshita Hideyoshi was declared Grand Poobah of Japan. After constant reminders of the pun he made months ago, he then changed his name to Toyotomi Hideyoshi.

In 1592, he decided that watching anime in Fushimi Castle all day was boring and time would be better spent invading Korea. Ultimately this didn’t work so Hideyoshi spent the rest of his life randomly idling around and acting in plays, doing tea ceremony, and other random stuff. Because when you conquer all of Japan, you can basically be a NEET and no one will give you any shit.

Looking back on the events Bakatest, it seems totally logical why Hideyoshi would want to keep his early life hush hush. The moral of the story? In Japan people will only take you seriously if you are an old man sitting on a pillow.

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