Of course I managed to pick up the new Pokemon game (read: emulate). It’s been a while since I played my last Pokemon game, so my memories were shaky. But the nostalgia mixed with “lol Pokemon” mixed and resulted in a giant dose of hilarity.

Of course, I played as a girl. Everyone is a girl in Pokemon games, because Kotone is cute and wears thighhighs. It’s kind of like crossdressing except in video game form. And because of all the epic battles on Route 32, the first hour or so is filled with epic tackling and growl. I feel for the guys standing at the side of the road — they picked a wrong Pokemon professor. We get to pick Cyndaquil, Chikorita, or Totodile. They seem to get Pidgey, Weedle, or Rattata. Dicks like me who have connections because we live next to Professor Elm just walk by, white them out, and take their money. After standing around a bit longer and perhaps stopping by the Pokemon Center, they head right back to standing on Route 32, perhaps turning around slowly this time.

Speaking of which, those Hikers and Fisherman seem really excited to get a 12-year-old girl’s number. I mean, the Picnickers are fine, but I swear one of the Fisherman said “I’m happy to make a younger friend.” Then they randomly call you at 4 am saying how awesome their Ratatta is.

And what makes it so that by beating Team Rocket at Pokemon, they can no longer do anything to you? You would imagine that as a nationwide crime syndicate bent on violating the laws and etiquette of Pokemon, they wouldn’t cede as soon as you knock out their Ekans. If I were Team Rocket and some little girl barged into my headquarters challenging me to a Pokemon battle, I’d just pick her up and throw her out if I were feeling nice. And if she beats my Pokemon, why am I obligated to give her money? An old man with a bad back and a little girl with a Mareep convinced you to shut down a million-dollar Slowpoke tail operation? No wonder Giovanni wants nothing to do with you guys any more.

Can you imagine if you could just go into a cave in Afghanistan, beat Al-Qaeda’s trainers, get to Osama Bin Laden, and beat his level 67 Nidoking? Not only would he stop his terrorist ways, he would also help America pay off its debt! We would elect presidents on how good they are at Pokemon. That would be decided, of course, by epic Pokemon battles. Lance/Clair 2012!

"My Geodude has perfect IV's AND Rock Head"

One particular thing that made me happy about SoulSilver is that Ilex Forest is so much less annoying. No more chasing that damn Farfetch’d while sixty wild Oddish converge upon my position. Instead, we just need to trick Farfetch’d to look the other way and grab it from behind. Wait, you can grab Pokemon with your bare hands by sneaking up behind it and snatching it up? Why the fuck do I have Pokeballs?

Why do all gyms look the same from the outside? Is it some kind of regulation set by the Pokemon League? You walk into Falkner’s gym and fly up 700 feet, but outside it’s the same short pudgy building. I can’t imagine being a gym leader would be fun. You just wait for people to walk by and challenge you. Must be pretty lonely, because the trainers in the gym are trying their best to stop trainers from seeing you. Then I see Bugsy’s gym and later on Claire’s gym and you just end up figuring that gym leaders just don’t want to meet people.

So now I’m just riding my bike north out of Goldenrod City. That guy who is showing off for his girlfriend is still there, so that made me happy. I’m going to get back to that. I wonder what they did with the National Park…

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